I want something junkie, like my diary. I have these notebooks for writing - and the way I "initiate" a notebook into my keeping is by choosing a random page somewhere around and start writing diagonally across. After that, the notebook knows there's not going to be any order or precision. Just choose some page and write.
This goes for almost everything I do. I need to find the mismatch in it. Like sleeping diagonally, then just across with my legs dangling outside the bed. This goes for the way I keep house. No matching cups or curtains. It's all mismatch but fun. Draw up a chair to wherever you want. Sit however you want. Eat out of any plate you want. Use any towel.
I think this stems, again, for the deep sense of insecurity in order. The "What if" prevails. What if the cup breaks? What if a curtain tears? What if I can't keep up the precision in the book?
Peeling one more layer off of the effect of being abused as a child. Trauma has taught me that anything can happen at any time, and the fear of lose is very strong.
